Until We Meet Again

I was at Coffee Waves just about 5 minutes away from The Net the night of Kimberly's accident.  I was reading in a corner by myself, not feeling particularly well--physically or emotionally.  I'd begun feeling sad, overwhelmingly sad for no apparent reason.  At one point it occurred to me that what I was feeling was grief.  So I wrote about it in my notebook since writing is often all I can do to keep myself from going crazy.

"Darkness.  A sheet of darkness veils me.  I'm consumed.  Gripped by this overwhelming feeling of grief.  It's not my own.  So whose is it?  Is it anyone's?  Is it an attack?  Is it mental?  Is it my own creation?  What is it?"

About 15 minutes later I looked at my phone.  I had a missed call from a friend who rarely calls me.  So I called him back.  "Do you know about Kim?" he asked.  "What about her?" I responded, completely oblivious.  And then he told me.  My heart sank.  I got off the phone with him, looked at my friend, Steven who sat at the table next to me tutoring someone and told him that Kim was in an accident.  He didn't understand the severity.  Neither did I.  I just assumed.  I ran to my car to plug my phone into the charger because it was dying.  I needed to call some other people.  I needed to find out what was happening.  I frantically searched but couldn't find my charger so I ran back inside Coffee Waves and used Steven's phone to call my friend, Felicia.  "I heard that she didn't make it," came the horrifying words.  Surely I'd misunderstood.  I asked her to repeat.  No.  I hadn't misunderstood.  Steven called our friend, Aaron.  He said the same thing.  We rushed over to The Net where about 40 or 50 had gathered to pray.  She was at the hospital.  She wasn't gone, yet.  Hit by an unknown driver while she was walking from her apartment to The Net for a girls slumber party, Kim was pronounced dead on the scene but brought back by the efforts of paramedics--and maybe something more.  She remained with us, but it didn't look good.  She hung on by a thread.  Our prayers resonated throughout the building.  Hearts broke and tears flowed as we begged God to let our sister live.  For two hours, we prayed.  At one point we began believing she was going to make it.  Many began to disperse, resolving to continue praying at home.  And then Pastor Glenn relayed a message.  Her heart had stopped again.  So we prayed fervently once again.  About half an hour later, the grim news was staring us in the face.  Kim was gone.  On February 12, 2012, in the wee hours of the morning, Kimberly Encinia went Home.

I've tried to write this more times than I can count.  But it's hard.  I can't pretend that this is an easy thing for me to talk about, because it isn't.  Not only is this an extremely painful thing for me to recall in detail, but it's also just a lot to recall.  So many events surrounded and followed the passing of Kimberly.  It's difficult to know how exactly to tell the story.  At the same time, though, I don't think I've ever wanted to write anything as much as I want to write this.

Before I continue, though, I want anyone reading this to understand that I'm writing from my own personal experiences.  I'm writing of my own pain, joy, revelations and memories.  I don't know the hearts of others; just my own.  So it is from my own heart that I'm writing.  I am, however, writing this for those who love and miss Kimberly.  I hope that my words bring some encouragement.

I don't think anyone, not even Kim, knew the impact she had on this world.  But when news of her death got out, impacted lives began emerging from the woodwork.  Her Facebook page erupted with post after post with one common theme: Kim touched lives.  Many read something along the lines of "Kim was the first person to reach out to me at The Net."  And it's true.  Kim was the type of person who wanted everyone to feel welcome.  Kim had such a heart for people.  She loved to make friends.  She loved to bring people together.  But more than anything, she loved to see people giving their hearts to God.  Many did turn to the Lord because of Kim.  Maybe she invited them to The Net or maybe she shared the Gospel with them directly, but people got saved because this girl lived her life sold out for the Lord.  Anyone could see that.  You didn't have to really know Kim that well to know there was something different about her.  Her countenance reflected Christ.  Her personality was magnetic just by itself but accompanied by her love for God, she was irresistible.

Kim was one of my best friends.  I didn't have her for as long as many others at The Net did, because I only just met her about five and a half months ago, but five months was more than enough time for me to grow extremely attached to her.  Not only did I love her for her amazing personality, but she also inspired me.  She had something I desperately wanted.  A heart completely consumed by the fire of God.

We met at a bonfire for The Net on September 10, 2011.  Almost instantly, we connected.  Within a few weeks, I considered her my best friend.  We hung out every weekend and sometimes during the week.  Kim was never satisfied with that.  She wanted us to spend more time together, but it was hard because I lived about 30 or 40 minutes away and could only afford the drive once or twice a week.  We decided we were going to move in together. All we had to do was get good jobs in town that would allow for this.  One day, we even made a list of house rules for our future apartment.  #1. No booze.  #2. No chihuahuas  #3. No cats.  Inside jokes.  As you can see, we were quite ridiculous together.

She made me laugh so much.  When I was around her, I became the carefree person that life so often tries to suffocate.  There's one memory I have of her that always makes me laugh.  I had driven Kim home after The Net one night.  Realizing my contacts were dry, I pulled out my eye drops that I'd never used, because up until that point I was too afraid.  Yes, I am afraid of eye drops.  Don't judge me.  Anyway, Kim asked if I wanted her to do it.  Hesitant, but willing, I handed her the bottle and she began her first attempt.  I flinched and it got all over my face.  So she tried again.  And again.  And again.  After about 4 tries, I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.  I'm pretty sure "Chinelas, Hombre!" slipped from her lips a couple times that night.  That and "San Antonio!" were her favorite expressions of frustration.  It was the most ridiculous thing.  If anyone had passed by they would have thought I was insane.  Somehow, though, I managed to stop laughing hysterically and Kim managed to get the drops in my eyes.  That about sums up the awesomeness of Kim right there.  Not really.  But that's some talent, you have to admit.

Needless to say, I miss Kim very much.  The week following her passing was probably the most difficult and emotionally draining I've ever lived through.  I went through all the stages of grief and then repeated them over and over again.  But the morning following the night of Kim's accident, I was talking to my dad on the phone and he said something to me that has helped me through those dark moments of piercing grief.  "She's not dead, Sarah.  She's just been relocated.  Reassigned."

My dad was right.  Kimberly is not dead.  She's just gone home.  Her mission here is finished and she's been reassigned.  And that's what keeps me rejoicing.  The knowledge of where she is. Kimberly is Home!  Would it be wrong of me to be a tad bit envious of her?

On the following Tuesday night, Pastor Glenn held a special Net night in honor of Kim to offer a word of comfort and encouragement to The Net family and anyone else who wanted to attend.  In his message, he voiced his belief that Kim was being held here by our prayers, torn between this world and the next, but ultimately chose God.  I viewed this as a nice thought and wanted to believe it wholeheartedly, but couldn't.  Not completely.  Then a couple days later, at Kim's viewing/memorial service--which, by the way, was attended by probably about 400 people--I spoke to a friend who told me he had a vision on the night Kim died.  As he told me his vision, my mind traveled back to Tuesday night.  It was very similar to Pastor Glenn's message.  The only difference was that the vision had more detail.  God gave Kim a choice.  Kim asked God if we would be okay if she didn't return to us. God said we would and that many would give their hearts to Him if she stayed with Him.  Kim chose God.  Win/win for her, right?  Still, though, I wasn't completely buying it.  I wanted to, but logic wouldn't allow me to.

Then another friend got up and spoke the next day at her homegoing (Kim didn't have a funeral; she had a homegoing).  He said that God spoke to him on the night of Kim's death as he cried out to Him, begging for Him to give her back.  Clear as any voice, He said, "I gave her a choice and she chose Me." That's when I decided it was time for me to believe.  This is what went down in those hours that we gathered together and prayed.  God gave her the choice and she chose Him.  Who wouldn't?  I admit, I struggled a little after I came to accept this.  While I couldn't possibly be angry with Kim for choosing God over us, I still wished she hadn't.  How selfish, right?  Because when it comes right down to it, I'm not sad for Kim.  How could I be sad for someone who's way better off than any of us down here on this earth?  I'm sad for myself.  I'm sad that I no longer have my best girlfriend.  And of course, I'm sad for the rest of her friends who were equally impacted.  I'm especially sad for her family: her mom, her brother, her sister.  She and her brother were extremely close, and my heart can't help but hurt for him, because I have siblings as well.  Yet, in the same breath, I have to say how completely in awe I am of her family and how they're dealing with this loss.  They had her longer than any of us, and while they're hurting, they're also rejoicing.  They know where she is.  They see the greatness of God in all of this.

God has brought beauty from ashes.  The darkness that manifested itself in all of the emotions I felt on the night of Kim's accident even before I knew about it and by all of those who loved her has been cascaded over by a bright light.  So many blessings have come out of something so tragic.  Hearts have continued in their surrender to the Lord.  Just like God said to Kim in my friend's vision, many have given their lives to Him in the time following her passing.  And I believe this will continue even years from now.  It may not happen in masses.  It may only happen one heart at a time as Kim's story is told.  But it will happen.  Kim's legacy will go on living.

In The Net I've seen walls torn down.  I've seen people come together as a family, something Kim would be overjoyed to see.  Cliques were such a hated thing with her.  I remember many conversations had with her where she would be in tears because of some sort of division she saw among people.  It isn't necessary to say that Kim had a huge heart, but I'm saying it anyway.  She did.  No, she wasn't perfect, but she certainly set the example for those of us who still lack in the ability to care for people.  She strived for greatness, and that's what we all need to be doing.

In all of this, one word repeats itself over and over again.  Love.  It's amazing how love just shows up in life-changing experiences.  Kim loved.  Kim lived.  Only 24-years-old, she lived a full life, because she loved with everything in her.  Losing a friend this way has jolted me out of my slumber and made me realize that life is short.  You don't know how short until it's over.  And it could be over tomorrow.  But like it says in 1 Corinthians, love never fails.  Jesus proved that when He died on the cross and rose again, and it's proven time and again in the lives of those who love Him.  When I die, I want to leave behind a legacy like Kim's.  A legacy of love.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

   God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.  In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.

(1 John 4:16-17)

About a week before Kim's accident, I found this song on YouTube.  It touched me so much that I sent it to my friend who leads worship for the Bible study I attend--and that Kim attended with me--and asked if we could sing it at the next meeting.  The morning after the accident, I saw that a friend had posted it on Kim's Facebook wall.  That day also happened to be Bible study day, so that evening, for worship, we sang "Holy" by The City Harmonic and remembered our sister, now gone home and happier in the presence of her King than any of us could possibly imagine.  This will forever be Kim's song.

For the believers, death has no sting.  There are no goodbyes in our family.

I've mulled over the title of this post for weeks (as long as I've spent writing it).  Only four words have come to mind, but I think they're appropriate.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

(Romans 8:28)

Love,

Sarah with an "h"

Revelation

Forgive me, but this post is going to be somewhat disorganized as many of my posts are.  It will be an attempt to get some thoughts out in the world in the most organized way possible, but it will still be rather messy.  I ask your forgiveness in advance and hope that in the midst of this scattered array of thoughts, you find encouragement.

I just finished The Hunger Games.  Not all three.  Just the first one.  Now I'm desperate to get my hands on the next one, but that's irrelevant.  What I want to say about that book right now is that it added to a stream of related revelations God has given me over the course of about a week.  When I say "related" I mean they all fit together to form one big revelation.  It's love-related as much of what God tells me is.  I never get tired of love.

Lately, I've been struggling a lot with trust.  Specifically, trusting God.  I suppose most of us struggle with that at some point.  It really makes no sense when you think about it, but nevertheless, it's a difficult thing to overcome.  Perhaps it's like depression.  Once you step into its grasp, you're engulfed in its darkness and getting out seems nearly impossible.  But it's not impossible.  In fact, nothing is with Christ as the Bible states.  God lifted me up out of that hole and gave me a word of encouragement to share with any passing eyes that might fall on this blog.  You may see it right below this post.

A lot of my worry has stemmed from irrationality that comes from my large capacity to feel.  I've talked about it a little before.  I'm a rarity in this world, or so I've been told by the Myers-Briggs personality test.  My type is INFP in case you're wondering.  When I read the portrait of INFP, I was shocked at how accurate it was.  I mean it wasn't 100% accurate, but overall, it pretty much captured me.  One of the big characteristics of an INFP is the major capacity to feel.  I feel very deeply.  Always have.  In many cases, this has been an advantage and viewed by myself as a gift from God.  It allows me to empathize with people very easily and understand them on a deeper level just by spending a little time with them.  It allows me to find underlying meaning in everyday happenings.  It allows me to see beauty in the seemingly ugly, dull, or mundane.  Best of all, it allows me to connect with God more easily than others. But on the flip side of that, being a huge feeler has caused me more pain and grief than I think anyone should have to experience in certain situations.  Before I knew anything about the Myers-Briggs test, I wondered if I really did feel more than other people or if I was just overly dramatic, a wimp.  But as it turns out, there are people in this world who feel more than others.  Unfortunately/fortunately, I am one of them.

So recently, God has shown me that my feelings must not control me.  Though it may feel as though I will die inside, the truth remains.  That truth is that I am loved by the God of this universe.  No matter what is happening in my life to make me feel whatever it is I'm feeling, God is still God.  God is still bigger.  This revelation came to me on a recent camping trip I took at Big Bend National Park with The Net Young Adult Fellowship.  The pastor's wife was our team leader on the first hike we took.  At the beginning of the trail, we sat down together and did our devotion.  What the devotion was about is not relevant to the subject of this post but one thing our leader said during it has remained etched in my memory and always will, I believe.  I don't remember it verbatim, but it was basically this:  In the midst of overwhelming emotions, we must remember what is true.  Truth is what matters.  Our emotions will come and go but truth never changes.  And the truth is that God loves us.  God will not forsake us.  God is always with us.  No matter what.

I've yet to mention a key note in this song of revelations.  Meaningless.  It's the title of my previous post and the reason trusting God has become a tad bit easier.  Feelings, troubles, busyness, even joys, good times, and fun all mean nothing when stood in the shadow of our King.  Not only do they pale in comparison, but they completely disappear.  They may as well not even exist.  One day, they won't.  Time will claim all of it, but God and His love will last forever.  And that brings me to my final note.

Love.  It will last.  It will always be, because God will always be.  He is love, isn't He?  Love is what's important.  When the troubles of today come to mind and threaten to steal my joy, I throw love in the face of the enemy, and those thoughts shrink back into their darkness.  Love prevails.  Always.  Even when it seems as though love does not win the fight, it does.  Because in the end, the world will drown in the evil it has immersed itself in, but love will still be standing.

Back to The Hunger Games.  It's a book about human rights, but its also about love.  Though the world may beat us down, though darkness may overtake our physical bodies, though the prince of this world may rule over the hearts of the wicked, if our love is strong enough, it cannot be extinguished.  We have a choice when it comes to our hearts.  We can choose to let love reign or we can choose to let evil reign.  And I'm speaking directly to Christians when I say that your hearts must choose love.  We are light in this dark world.  If we let the world bring us down, we're giving in to defeat.  We're saying that Satan is stronger than us.  He's not stronger than us.  He isn't stronger, because we have Christ.  Christ is stronger.  Christ is in us.  Therefore, we are stronger.

It's all meaningless compared to Love, compared to God.  It's all meaningless, here one day, gone the next.  One day, we'll all stand before our Creator and the former trials won't matter.  What will matter is how we responded to them.  What will matter is how we lived our lives.  Did we live it for Him?  Did we run the race with endurance?  Did we love with all we had?  Or did we live only for ourselves, wallowing in the pit of mud we created for ourselves from self-pity and complacency?  It's our choice.


Love,
Sarah with an "h"

Meaningless

Worry is a dangerous thing, isn't it?  Worry only leads to one thing.  More worry.  And worry never got anyone anywhere in life.  Nothing good is ever gained by worrying.

But seek first his kingdom

 and his righteousness,

 and all these things 

will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33

I've read that verse a million times.  Okay, maybe not a million.  But well over 50.  Today, I really needed to read it.  Some days a verse like this one just really resonates within me.  This is one of those days.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, 

for tomorrow will worry about itself. 

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

Oh my gosh, duh!  So why do we do it?  I find myself having to remind myself constantly that worrying is pointless.  It doesn't matter how much we worry about something.  What will be will be no matter the amount of time we spend worrying about it.  God has a plan.  We don't know that plan.  But He does.  And He knows exactly what He's doing.  He doesn't need our help in bringing that plan to life either.  All He wants from us is our cooperation and our trust.

And if knowing that God has everything under control, that He has a plan, and that He knows just how to carry it out doesn't put our minds at ease, then maybe understanding something else will.  That is that everything, compared to God and our relationship with Him, is meaningless.  Whatever you're worrying about, whatever bogs down your mind with countless thoughts, think about it right now and then think about God.  And know this: IT DOES NOT MATTER.  God matters.  Your relationship with Him matters.  Love matters.  Love Him and love people.  It all boils down to two commands.  If you're doing those two things, then you have no reason to let the things of this world sneak into your thoughts, make you worry, and steal your joy.  It's pointless.  So try very hard to stop.  Ask God for help.  He will help you.  He, especially, doesn't want you worrying.  He wants all of your heart; not just the parts that aren't being stomped all over by pointless worry.

Ecclesiastes came to mind yesterday, so I read the book in one sitting.  It's not difficult to do.  It's a very short book.  I'd read Ecclesiastes before, and to be honest, it always confused me.  I never understood why such a seemingly negative book was even in the Bible.  Why was Solomon talking that way?  I think I understand now.

“Meaningless! Meaningless!” 

   says the Teacher. 

“Utterly meaningless! 

   Everything is meaningless.”

Ecclesiastes 1:2

And he was right.  Compared to our Creator, everything is meaningless.  You may think it's important.  By the world's standards, it may be incredibly important.  It may be finances-related, heart-related, family-related, or something else-related, but whatever it's concerning, please remember that it is so miniscule compared to the love God has for you.  

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Just because you don't, doesn't mean He doesn't know what He's doing.  Don't try to figure it out.  Don't assume you already know.  Trust Him.  It's a lesson I have to learn over and over again.  I'm so glad the Lord loves me enough to stick with me and continue to speak to me both about things I should already know and things I have yet to learn.

I hope this brings you some encouragement.  I know I'm not the only one struggling with worry.  As human beings, I believe we all do this.  But God knows we're imperfect people, and He's still willing to stay with us and continue loving on us. 

Love,

Sarah with an "h"

A Lesson Learned in 2011

One thing I've always struggled with is patience.  Haven't we all?  Some more than others, though, right?  I definitely fall into that category.  People often irritate me.  While I may not blow up at everyone who makes me mad, I still boil on the inside, and it often shows in my body language and on my face.

I was reminded of this vice yesterday while I was running around the Houston airport on my return trip from Isla Mujeres, Mexico where I was spending Christmas with my family (long story for another time).  I was traveling with a friend of the family's, an elderly lady named Donna.  I got off the plane in Houston first and a few minutes later, Donna emerged in a wheel chair being pushed by a black woman who, judging by her accent, was obviously not from the States.  I would guess she was from Jamaica but I'm not certain.  Her accent was thick and she couldn't completely comprehend what we were telling her all of the time.  I was hungry and exhausted having been up since 6am, so this frustrated me.  Then I realized that this woman was extremely pushy and thought I was completely incompetent.  Always turning around, ordering me to follow her as if I was a 7 year old who might get lost, she aggravated me to a point where I was near letting her know about it.  She insulted me for doing things wrong, grabbed my boarding pass and passport from my hand so that she could do everything for me, and gloated when I forgot to remove a water bottle from my backpack before sliding it through security.  My pride was being trampled and I was about to lose it.

In the back of my mind, I knew I was being ridiculous.  But it took a few hours to pass and some venting to a friend for me to clear my mind enough to actually acknowledge the fact.  I don't believe she was trying to be rude.  Perhaps her attitude was just a reflection of her cultural background.  Perhaps her over-zealousness was a result of fear that if she didn't do a good job, she might lose her job.  And perhaps, I was just being overly sensitive.  Yeah...  I was.

I'm trying to be better.  I'm trying to let the Lord fix this lack of patience in me.  As the new year fast approaches, I think back on the year 2011 and remember what He has shown me in it.  There have been many lessons learned, many things realized, but one thing stands out--one thing that has helped me in the patience department.  Everyone has a story and everyone needs to be loved.

In a recent blog, I wrote about my new-found love for people.  My love for people is born from the realization that they are all more than just faces in a crowd.  They're all hearts and souls like me.  The lady in the airport is no exception.  They all have stories filled with joy and sadness alike.  And they aren't all the same.  Everyone has a different story to tell.  At first, I was merely intrigued by people.  But I'm a feeler and it's nearly impossible for me to just see people as subjects of interest.  I empathize with them.  I feel what they feel to some extent and honestly desire to know more about them.  I've actually held this love for people for a long time, but it hasn't been apparent to me until this year.

In all honesty, I don't love everyone.  I would like to be able to say that I love everyone and mean it with all my heart.  But I can't.  I don't love the people who irritate me in the grocery stores with their rudeness or the people who honk at me on the road.  Perhaps I would if I knew them personally.  But my love is limited.  And so is my patience.  I do want that kind of love.  I ask God for it.  He hasn't just granted me love for every human being, but He has shown me that people are worth loving--even if they aren't always easy to love.  He's shown me that there's more to them than meets the eye.

He's shown this to me in many ways this year.  In Panama, He showed me with my encounter with William, a Rasta who made Macrame jewelry on the streets of Bocas del Toro.  I was amazed at his willingness to hear me talk about my faith and his gratefulness upon receiving the Bible I gave to him one day.  He lived a life of darkness and was completely lost in the lies of his so-called religion.  But he was kind and had a gentle spirit.  He needed love.  So I loved him as best I could as his friend and did my best to point Him to the One who loves him unconditionally.

When my family and I came back home from Panama, I began working at The Tarpon Inn in Port Aransas and became friends with all of my coworkers.  Most of them lived lives completely different from mine.  But I loved them.  Each of them inspired me in some way.  Each of them brought some sort of charm to The Tarpon Inn experience.  And like William, they all had stories.  They were not just faces.  They were much more than that.

At The Net, I've met many lovely hearts.  There are so many inspiring people at The Net.  And The Net has played such a key role in pulling me outside of my comfort zone enough that I could come to the realization that I was never meant to be a loner.  I was meant to live among people, to love people.

Yes, everyone has a story.  There are no exceptions.  I just wish I would have remembered that yesterday while smoke was coming out of my ears in the Houston airport.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

--Colossians 3:12-14

Love,

Sarah with an "h"

Chocolate Coffee Memories

I find myself in solitude fairly often these days.  This afternoon, it's just me, my cat, and Mr. Bing Crosby.  I like solitude at least a couple times throughout the week.  It allows me time to ponder and reflect and of course, write.

This afternoon, I'm remembering.  As I sit here on my partly deflated air mattress (I haven't been able to accumulate enough money or desire to go and buy a real bed), computer in lap, Bing singing "Deck the Halls," I reach over for my cup of chocolate coffee every couple of minutes, sip and am flooded with memories.  My dad first introduced me to chocolate coffee when I was very young.  I couldn't have been older than 8 or 9.  (I hope he doesn't get mad at me for sharing with the world that he let his 8 year-old daughter drink coffee.  Ha ha)  It was back when he still captained the Bearcat, a crew boat used for taking workers back and forth from oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico.  My younger brother, John, and I would often tag along with him on trips.  One cold, winter day, while we were at work with him, he filled a Styrofoam cup with coffee, emptied a packet of instant hot chocolate into it, and gave me my first cup of chocolate coffee.  After that first time, I always had to beg him to make me some.  I guess he didn't want me to stunt my growth or something.

This memory is pretty irrelevant to anything going on in my life right now.  It's just something that makes me smile when I think about it.  Isn't it the little things about our parents we remember the most?  I guess I'm thinking about things like this right now because it's Christmas, and Christmas always makes me sentimental.  Every Christmas, I remember Christmases past and ponder the changes with each of them.  None of them is ever the same as the one before it.  They used to be somewhat similar.  But that was before my family became a bunch of gypsies.  Ha!  Ha!  I hope my parents don't get mad at me for that.  We're aren't exactly "gypsies."  We're just...unconventional.  And I like it that way.  My favorite Christmas memories are still those from my early childhood (I'm sure I've blogged about them somewhere in blog land), but the other memories I've obtained from a life of travel and excitement are worth the less traditional Christmases we've had in the last few years.

Truthfully, I'm just so incredibly thankful that all 20 Christmases I've experienced have been experienced with the ones closest to me, my family.  I know many folks who don't have the privilege of being with their family every Christmas.  Perhaps, one day that will be me.  As much as I try to prohibit the process, we must all grow up.  I'm having to do a whole heap of it this year!  But I still get to be with my family this Christmas, and I'm going to soak up every last, tiny, memory-making moment I can.  I encourage you to do the same--no matter who you're with this Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everyone!


Love,
Sarah with an "h"
 

Love is Not a Pansy

What does it mean to guard your heart?  I've often wondered this.  I've been told countless times by older women to "guard your heart."  I always nodded in agreement, but honestly, I never understood what that really meant--until tonight.

I opened my Bible to Psalm 4:23 and read in confusion as I usually do.  And what about the second half of that verse?  "...for it is the wellspring of life."  What the heck does that mean??  So I decided to read the entire chapter very carefully.  Perhaps it would help if I read it in context.  Slowly, it began to make sense.  So then I Googled, "How to guard your heart."  Yes, I did.  I Google everything, people.  And you should be glad I Googled this because I'm about to share with you some valuable information.

First of all, I feel I should remind everyone (including myself) that the heart is an extremely important part of the human being.  No, I don't mean the organ (although that is also a very vital part).  It's the place through which the Lord often speaks to us.  It's the most vital piece of us that is changed when we receive Christ.  It's what He sees when He looks at us.  AND...it is the wellspring of life.  In other words, it is the place from which everything we do in life flows.  Our words, actions, and ways of life will reflect our hearts.  If your heart is pure and noble, then naturally so will the way you live.  If your heart is selfish and hardened, then naturally so will the way you live.  It is a fact, and it is unchanging since the beginning of time.  I'm not saying your life will be perfect if you love Jesus.  You'll still screw up.  You're human.  Humans do that.  But overall, your life ought to reflect Him who lives in your heart.

Second, guarding this heart of yours is actually quite simple.  It may not be easy all of the time, but the method of guarding it is not difficult to understand.  Give it to God.  Really.  That's it.  Your heart belongs to God anyway, so why not let Him have it instead of strewing it all over creation freely and carelessly for other people to tear apart?

In order to do this, we must spend time with Him.  I emphasize "must" because it is vitally important.  Please, if you remember anything about this post, remember that time with God is essential to making your heart His.  It is essential to becoming closer to Him.  Without it, it's as if you're nothing more than an acquaintance of God's.  You're that bum "friend" who never calls except to ask for money.  Don't be that bum.

Giving our hearts fully to God will result in our falling madly in love with Him.  And falling madly in love with Him will stir within us this overpowering desire to know more about Him and to be where He is all the time.  We'll begin to see life in a new way.  We'll begin to see people threw His eyes.  Love for Him will overflow out of our hearts onto the people around us.

I think that subconsciously I had convinced myself that "guarding the heart" meant shutting it off.  Fear of heartache is what prompted this notion, I believe.  But what good is that?  That's like turning off a computer with a virus instead of trying to fix the problem.  It doesn't do anyone any good.  The computer still has a virus and you can't check your Facebook.  We can't just shut our hearts off.  We have to examine them.  We have to give them to God to fix.

Real love is strong.  It doesn't just quit when things get tough.  I think we often forget that we're supposed to love our friends as well as our enemies.  It sounds crazy but I think it's true.  I've read so many devotions on "loving your enemies" but when it comes to loving those who should be easiest to love, we seem to be lacking.  I think this is because it is supposedly easy so we don't feel like we have to really try.  We think we already know all about it.  "Of course, I love them," we say, "They're my friends!"  But what about when these friends hurt us or disappoint us?  What about the ones who walk away?  What about when things get tough?  How many of us give up on love and sever friendships because things start to turn sour?  We place our hearts in the hands of fellow human beings instead of in the hands of God, and they hurt us.  So then we ditch them and walk off, broken.  It's a common story.  So many broken hearts--so many loveless hearts--are roaming around out there because they weren't guarded.  We have to give our hearts to God so He can help us love.  Only through Him can we love with real love, love that fights and never gives up--no matter what.

That last part was resting heavily on me while I was talking to God this evening.  I never really thought about it until then.  Guarding your heart isn't severing connections.  It's giving it to God and letting Him train it to love with His kind of love--the real kind of love.  That's love that fights and doesn't quit.


Love,
Sarah with an "h"

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving!

People

I like people.  I do.  And that's weird.  It's weird because I didn't used to.  Not really.  From about age 11 to 14 I was pretty reclusive.  I didn't feel I needed friends.  I had friends but not many.  I was painfully shy and lacked confidence.  So I naturally kept to myself for the most part.  Then something changed.  At 15 I decided I was done being a shy hermit with no friends.  So I promised myself and God that I would make real effort to tear down the barriers I'd set for myself and step outside my comfort zone.

Today, I'm a different person.  Just in the last few months, I've walked about a mile outside my comfort zone.  I'm still an introvert, but I'm a more extroverted introvert than I once was.  I've decided I don't want to be an extrovert, though.  I tried it for a few weeks and grew tired of it.  I'm content with being an introvert with extrovert tendencies.  By "extrovert tendencies" I mean that, as stated in the first paragraph, I like people.  I love to meet new people, to talk to them, to learn about them.  I'm now one of those weirdos who will, on occasion, walk up to a complete stranger in a coffee shop and talk to them.  It's rare.  But it happens.  It's amazing the interesting people one can meet in a coffee shop.  Coffee attracts all types.  Did you know that?  Hannah, if you're reading this, surely you can attest. ;)

With this new-found love for people has come a sea of new friends.  Also, I'm learning that friendship among Christians is beautiful and challenging.  The beauty makes the challenge worth it.  Anytime people become involved in other people's lives, conflict arises.  People argue and hurt each other.  Friends jump to conclusions about other friends.  Uncomfortable situations present themselves.  Awkwardness becomes a familiar thing.  But so does love and joy.  So does the peace in knowing you're surrounded by fellow Christ-lovers who will hold you accountable and walk with you on the, oftentimes, rocky road of faith.  We need God more than anything.  But God knew we needed human companionship.  That's why He didn't stop with Adam.

As for my non-Christian friendships, I count them as blessings, too.  They have allowed me the opportunity to reach out to people and grasp a deeper understanding of God's love.  I only hope I haven't screwed up too much in my humanity and am reflecting that love.

This post, like all of my posts, was written without any plan of action.  I just wanted to share what God has shown me about myself and about other people.  I love people.  And people are worth loving.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

--1 John 4:7

Love,
Sarah with an "h"